Picture the scene: it's hot. The golfers on the stag do have all been enjoying the shade on one of Albufeira's many world-class courses (read: getting slowly pissed from the service cart and arguing about windspeed). Everyone else (i.e. me) has been grumbling and sweating in their wake. So you all decide to repair to the 19th hole, where more cool lagers are consumed.
And then the dare happens.
This dare isn't 'go run naked around the 18th hole', or'see if you can sing the whole of'La Cucaracha' on the bar before we get chucked out'. Oh no. It's much worse. One of the groom's Uni friends snatches his mobile off the table (the groom, at this point, is at the bar), grins evilly, and dares one of his other Uni friends to send a text message to the future bride.
'Tell her you've been doing some thinking, and you've realised the wedding is a bad idea,' he says.'You can't go through with it. It wouldn't be right.'
And where is the best man (me again) at this point? He's in the bathroom, taking a relaxing leak. Which, let me tell you, is the last chilled-out thing he's going to be doing for quite a while. By the time I get back from the pissoir, all hell has broken loose. Trans-Mediterranean phone calls are flying about. People are red faced and shouting.
It takes an entire afternoon of diplomacy, half-cut in 40 degree heat, to smooth things over. Needless to say, the rest of the stag do is pretty much a bust. Angry groups of friends go off to different nightclubs and bitch about each other over multicoloured drinks with frightening price tags. It's like that bit in The Inbetweeners Movie when Jay and Will have a massive argument followed by a terrible night out in Malia, only without Neil's awesome dance moves.
Chaps, beware. The stag do dare can go horribly wrong, horribly fast. And my experience wasn't even that bad. After all, no-one got hurt (sort of), no-one ended up in hospital and the happy couple were hitched at the appointed time, in the right church. When I handed the rings over I nearly passed out, thanks to one of the most epic hangovers in history, but that's another story.
A good stag do dare is fun. You don't need to upset people to pull off the magic combo of embarrassing the shit out of the groom and making everyone else laugh. In fact, if you do it right, you'll get new friends in the process. Other stags, hens, even the dreaded locals are all up for a good laugh.
If you want to avoid the experience I had, I suggest learning from the masters. I've combed the internet for the best stag dares ever. And here they are?¦
My favourite, evs. And I'm not even joking. The dare is to act out a scene from a classic movie, on cue, in public. Pubs are good, but open air is even better. After all, if you start in on the Joe Pesci'Funny How?' scene from Goodfellas in an actual restaurant, you're going to jail. So pick the right spot, and call'action':
You know it rocks when everyone in the street starts following your moves. For maximum epicness, I suggest rehearsing. Seriously. Get the steps down, get a classic anthem on your phone and bust out a proper flash-mob. It's totally old skool, and the world will love you for it.
I love this, because even shy stags can do it. Not that anyone is likely to remain shy after 17 Jagerbombs, but that's your lookout. The game is simple. You have to get song titles or lyrics into conversation with strangers, bar staff etc. If you slip in 10 in a row without getting rumbled, you win. Again. Yeah, it's that easy. PS: don't drink 17 Jagerbombs. Ever.
This is a close-run thing, chaps, so listen up. In the right place, at the right time, a man might just be able to get away with stripping down to his boxers before the police are called/security guards come and carry him away. I'm not saying he will, and I'm not saying he won't. But I am saying that daring the groom to find a hen party, engage them in normal conversation and then suddenly shout 'SURPRISE! I'M YOUR STRIPPER!' before launching into a Magic Mike routine is pretty funny. Do it to music and become a legend.
Easily the silliest stag do dare, and one of the most annoying, the Superhero should be busted out in small doses. Set a time limit, or you'll all end up hating the stag and will probably leave him in a ditch.
Basically, your main man has to assume the character of a superhero whenever he talks to girls. He's got to start every conversation with'Hi, I'm Batman and it's my mission to rid Gotham City of crime' - or a suitably appropriate phrase for his hero of choice.
Most girls will tell him to ride off on the geek horse he came in on, but one or two might enter into conversation with the chap. At this point, he has to cup one hand to his ear, hold up a silencing finger, say'Hark! I hear someone in trouble!' and dash madly out of the bar. Trust me - it starts off classic, and ends up lame.
Have you got some (non dangerous) stag do dares you'd like to share with Stag Weekends? Let us know on Facebook and Twitter!
Date Posted: Thursday 2nd July 2015
Author: Jim Alexander