Stag Weekend Confidential
There's an unidentified baby in the wardrobe. You're missing a tooth. The bathroom is filled with tiger. And the groom isâ€¦ goneâ€¦ No, it's not The Hangover. It's your actual stag weekend. Dudes, it's time to go behind the scenes of real-life stag disasters. Do not let this sh*t happen to you!
The wedding march
In April 2015, a British builder embarked on a stag weekend drinking session with the boys. He vanished from an Irish bar on a legendary Barcelona stag do on the infamous street, Las Ramblas. The next day, he hadn't come back to the hotel. Concerned pals had to catch flights back to the UK without him, hoping the inebriated feller had simply spent the night in a bush, and would turn up red-faced on the next plane.
He didn't. In fact, it took two days for this hapless stag to reappear, at the British Consulate in the Spanish city. His story: he'd been taken to an unidentified location outside Barcelona by a taxi driver, who then kicked him out and left him to walk back to his hotel. With no phone and no money, the stag had no choice but to amble randomly until he finally found his way home. I bet he looked like this guy by the time he got there:
When paintball goes bad
Ever been tempted to shoot your best mate in the nuts? Low blows in paintball are never a good idea. As this chap can tell youâ€¦
The 30-something stag was enjoying a round of paintball with the fellers, at an outdoor centre in West Sussex, when things went south - literally. Shot in the balls by one of his fellow stags, our hero ended up in A&E with a torn bollock-artery. Needless to say, surgery was not pleasant and the wedding night didn't happen. Yowsers.
Fortunately, the injury isn't permanent, and the married couple are able to have kidsâ€¦
A shingle man
If you've never had shingles, you don't want'em. Basically resurrected chickenpox, they're painful as hell and brought on by stress. The kind of thing you might expect a case of the pre-wedding jitters to give you - but a stag weekend?
This poor feller was given the worst introduction to his stag ever, thanks to a bunch of'mates' who were probably banned from the man's wedding and rest of his life! The prize eejits kidnapped him, bundled him into a van, and chucked him out on the road in the middle of nowhere - while letting off smoke grenades and waving baseball bats around like terrorists. The terrified groom, who didn't know it was a stag prank until two hours had passed, was then made to cycle 10 miles back to his do wearing a mankini.
The resulting stress brought on an attack of shingles, which nearly caused the wedding to be cancelled. Oops.
Say hello to the birdie
An irate Floridan golfer began beating the heck out of an entire stag party for playing too slowly, resulting in a full-scale brawl and police attendance. The man began remonstrating with the group by hitting balls at them, then drove his golf cart into them and hit one over the head with a club. You might think this guy was Rambo on his day off, but actually he was just a pissed-off pensioner. Way to get arrested, granddadâ€¦
Set Tasers to stun
When a Dorset stag donned a huge cock-stume for his big night out, he thought he might get a few free pints. He didn't bank on the long arm of the law turning his buddies into crispy fried best men.
Apparently, a local taxi driver didn't appreciate the stag's Big Willie Style costume, and refused to give him a ride home. His pals called on a couple of coppers to referee the dispute - but instead of getting backup from the peeps in blue, they got Tasered. Ouuuuuch. Later, a judge gave the rozzers a telling-off for attacking the pair in an unprovoked fashion, not that that meant the tasering hurt any lessâ€¦
Just because you've got billions of pounds in the bank, doesn't mean you're not a dick. That's the lesson learned by a high profile British stag after he invited financier's heir and posh boy Ben Goldsmith to be his best man.
The stag weekend, which was held in LA, went super-bad super fast when the groom got arrested by actual police, chucked in the slammer alongside genuine crims, and subjected to an exhaustive process of real cop interrogations. It was hours before the soon-to-be-married chap found out the whole thing was an elaborate prank, and he wasn't really going down for a crime he hadn't committed.
Just how much Goldsmith had to pay to buy off the five-oh is anyone's guess. Whatever the figure, doesn't that count as bribery, or wasting police time or something? Which actually are crimes? We're just sayingâ€¦