Sometimes, it's best just not to bother... Gents, before you get the fancy dress cossie together for your upcoming stag weekend, take a moment to consider these fails. Don't do this, and you'll WIN. You're welcome.
Everyone loved the mankini when it first came out. Even us. Dressing like Kazakhstan's favourite export and getting slammed on dodgy shooters was awesome.
For a while.
And now it's over. So over, in fact, that the mankini has been banned in Newquay for nearly three years. Face facts, fellas. No-one wants to see your nuts anymore!
The mankini isn't the only stag party fancy dress costume that gets the heave-ho from Newquay's nightclubs - or, in fact, from any decent establishment anywhere in the world in space. Too much man flesh, or costumes that have dodgy connotations for locals, civilians, are out. Unsurprisingly, you'll get your ass kicked/arrested if you turn up in Berlin dressed as a Nazi. You're not Prince Harry, you know.
Yawn. Half naked men spray painted blue aren't Smurfs. We've seen this one hanging out in pubs looking sheepish for years now. If you want to get the body paint out, at least go for something awesome. Like Oompah Loompahs. Or the Incredible Hulk (just don't do what internet sensation Paulo Henrique dos Santos did, see below).
We'll leave the last word on Smurfs to Donnie Darko:
“Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have ... reproductive organs under those little white pants. It's just so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. You know, what's the point of living ... if you don't have a dick?”
OK, so he wasn't going on his mate's stag party, but Brazilian hardass Paulo Henrique dos Santos gets a special mention here. In 2012, the fitness enthusiast dressed as the Incredible Hulk for a charity run. His local hardware store had run out of its normal green paint, so it sold dos Santos a substitute.
Turns out our Brazilian legend had bought a type of paint usually used on nuclear submarines and missiles.
We'll say that again. Ballistic missiles. Nuclear subs.
Fortunately for Paulo, the paint didn't give him lead poisoning: but it did take a 24 hour scrubbing session featuring all his friends and family to get the stuff off!
You wouldn't like me when I'm stuck in a bath for a whole day...
Whaaa? Surely the Dark Knight is the ultimate stag party fancy dress option? Hell to the no, boyfriend. Here's the thing. If they aren't dressing as Smurfs, everyone goes as Batman. EVERYONE. We're talking 80 percent of any given collection of superheroes, trying to look moody in a foamy muscle suit.
Aside from being obvious, there are a million reasons why turning out as yet another Caped Crusader is just plain wrong. Here are the top five:
1: Beer bellies and ab suits don't mix.
2: Batman would never go to a stag party.
3: At least Superman's cheerful. Go as Gotham's finest, and you mark yourself as a brooding loner. Not the look a feller wants when he's trying to dance to “Funky Town”.
4: Hot geek chicks will hate you.
5: George Clooney.
If you're going to do it, at least go as Adam West. And hold up a big sign that says “Kapow!” every time you do a shot...
Gents, don't do it. You're either going for fancy dress or you're not, but last-minute costumes are always rubbish. It's the difference between rocking woolly tights, a wig, lavender eau de toilette and a massive nan-bag, and just turning up at the pub wearing a dress. Commit to the costume, or get out of the kitchen.
We've seen some lame attempts at last-minute fancy dress over the years. Don't add yourself to the list!
He's not getting into the pub dressed like that. he just isn't.
So what are your biggest stag party fancy dress fails? Share and enjoy!
Date Posted: Friday 8th May 2015
Author: Jim Alexander